cocoabrown

Morning meditation: Eywa

In ancestors, Avatar, Eywa, family, insomnia, meditation on January 16, 2017 at 7:33 am
I haven’t been able to work on the family history project in quite a while. I think I’m experiencing a little withdrawal. In this life, we are not promised tomorrow. I just pray that there will be enough time to check several more things off of my to-do list.
 
graceg-treeofsouls-screencapEywa. You know…the tree of souls…from “Avatar”? While meditating this morning, I thought of that tree. The idea that we are forever connected to one another and to the ancestors…is an intriguing, comforting theory.
 
While scanning the fragile pages of townships past, the names often seem familiar to me. And those of my family? In my mind’s eye, I see their faces, the poorly-built tin shacks, the dirt floors…I hear their voices — a very well-spoken people — like I’m watching a movie. And I wonder if it’s just my vivid imagination. My eyes have followed chubby fingers as they’ve traveled line-by-line, house-to-house, township-to-township SO many times before. Maybe that’s why the families are no longer strangers.
 
Or maybe we ARE connected to one another. To the ancestors. What they’ve seen, we can see. What they’ve suffered, we know that pain. Where they’ve been, we will go. What they’ve survived…is why we’re here.
 
Good morning, y’all! Happy King Day!

deuces HIGH.

In creativity, Favorite things, graphics design, heartache, insomnia, Little House on the Prairie, loneliness, new year, quickie, survival, unhappy-ness, Writing on January 11, 2017 at 3:20 am

On my own. Once again, nowww. One more timmmmme. BYYYYY myself. 

Happy New Year, y’all. I am trying with every thing in me to turn things around in real life. Cocoa’s just a lil’ tied…but she is still here (as much as one who barely writes blog posts any more can be). Seemingly on my own. Beginning again.

No one said it was easy…nooooo, no.

Uhhh. That’s not… That’s not what I wanted — or was supposed — to say.

You know what?

Sometimes, the best way to deal with things/people/situations is to not deal with them. Dealing with emotional shits takes too many cards from the deck. The house WILL fall. Not dealing? Well, if you sacrifice a card or two and then play “deuces high”…

You dig what I’m sayin’, right?

…no?

Le sigh.

Earlier, I had this whole plan in mind. I knew which things I was going to write about in this short post:

  • baby giggles
  • pink & purple sunsets
  • puppies
  • crunchy Vlasic dill pickle spears
  • Boar’s Head turkey pepperoni
  • LHOTP marathons
  • other random things that make me happy (like this t-shirt graphic tiff-bday-2016-bg2 I designed last month)
  • oh, and some encouraging shit, too

But once I accepted that SandMan had stood me up (again) and turned my laptop back on, this is all that would come out. So.

Been so lonnnng…

In family, Favorite things, Home, Indianola, thankful, The past on November 25, 2016 at 3:29 am

…of missing you, baby!

I’m not the only one who (ALWAYS) hears music in her head…am I?

Hey, y’all! So much has happened in the last 2 years. So much has remained the same. I’m finally ready to get back to writing. Creative Cocoa has been expressing herself a lot through t-shirt/logo designs and invitations and business cards and a few websites…and custom embroidery (www.sewwhatatlanta.com – I started a business after Corporate Cocoa’s position was eliminated in September ’15!) and the online pop-up shop (www.shoplottfamilia.com – We are currently hosting a breast cancer fundraiser; all proceeds will be donated to a childhood friend!). No worries. I’ll tell you all about it in the weeks to come! But the writer in me has been very quiet. It’s time.

Yesterday was rough. The idea of going home for Thanksgiving didn’t appeal to me. I love my family to pieces; but the thought of being there in desperate need of a mother-daughter chat…my mother long gone from this earth…reliving that devastation…no, thank you. So, I stayed.

And just as I was beginning to forgive myself for choosing me, my toothache started up again. At first, it felt as though God was punishing me; but…there’s always something going on in my mouth. I have 4 extra teeth on the bottom row; 5 wisdom teeth; and when I had a tooth pulled 15 years ago, another tooth grew on the inside of my gum (underneath my tongue). Friggin’ freak show. Toothaches are nothing new to me. But this one? O-M-Gee! I’ve never felt this kind of pain before! I think a nerve is exposed…among other things…and the shooting pain originates from one of the upper-right teeth, shooting back to my ear and all the way up to my eye. After 2.5 hours, the pain eased up to a 4 or 5. By then, I was absolutely exhausted.

I had a dream earlier today – a memory – while I was meditating.

I spent $100 on a book once. It was a large, hardback with a metallic gold paper covering it. A book of fairy tales (Disney, I think) with pictures. I bought it for my 2 nieces. The younger niece, Red, was always so full of energy and determined to have everything her way. Babysitting her could be A LOT! But I knew how to handle her. I knew one way to give my voice a break (from yelling, “Stop, Red! Put that down! Why did you do that?! Leave your sister alone!”). She loved storytime. I’d get the gold book and read to them. No matter how many stories I read, it was never enough. She – they – always wanted more. And I would happily oblige.

One day, I wasn’t feeling well; but I had to watch them for a few hours. Red was into everything, bossing her older sister around, and bouncing off the walls like she was hyped up on sugar. I just didn’t have the energy to fuss that day. But when I noticed a long period of quiet, I peeled myself from the couch to investigate. I found the girls in the next room. One was asleep, and the other was quietly, carefully thumbing through the pages of the gold book. I walked over to the 3-year-old and asked what she was doing.

“I read’in na book!”

“Really, Red? Wow, you are so smart! Can I…will you re…tell me a story?”

“Uhn-huhn! Come sit down!” She scooted over to make room on the loveseat. She pat the pillow next to her. It was only 6-8 inches wide, but I squeezed in anyway, draping one leg over the armrest and resting my head on her little shoulder.

The cover was right-side-up but the book was up-side-down. That didn’t seem to matter. I had only read the story about the three little pigs to them once. Once, apparently,  was enough. She had memorized it from beginning to end, picture by picture.

That was a very proud moment for me. The hoarseness I would get from reading to them for hours at a time…WITH “the voices” (Of course, I did the characters’ voices, duh?!). The $100 I spent on the gold book. It was, all, worth it.

Today, on Thanksgiving Day, that memory was a beacon. I needed a way out of the dark. I’m so thankful for the good times. I have so many. I’m grateful for that.

Damn, it feels good to be back…

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